my mike

today's been a good day for the most part. i've been taking my strattera at night and honestly idk if it changes anything for me at all, but possibly. The medicine's full effect can take weeks , we shall see. But i'm going to talk to my doc about changing that medication. 

the baby is being good for the most part. 

hey babe, i love you lots. i recently figured out a lot that's wrong with me and i'm going to work on myself so things improve for both of us. i'm sorry i dont help. i've felt trapped recently by my own inner problems and struggles surrounding you, life, and my self esteem and hopelessness. 

we spend a lot of time together, which can be unhealthy for anyone. i'm going to try to give you some space so you can also relax more without worrying about me. i've been far too dependent on you and now everything has culminated into this big hole /void inside of me that is itching for things i don't quite understand. A lot of it is probably because my whole life i never felt love. Now that i have it with you, when you come up short, it feels like literal pain inside of me. it's tearing me apart . I don't know how to explain it, but i know its because i don't want to lose what we had. and because of what i'm dealing with inside, i worried once about this being all over. But since then i was able to deconstruct some of the reasons on why i feel the way i do and how to help myself get better. I know there's nothing wrong with you, or with us, but with me. 

my nervous system is overloaded. i know now i'm not uninspired i'm constrained. between:
Lack of financial autonomy

Lack of private space / distance

Chronic unmet desire to be wanted

“If I want to feel desired, alive, or autonomous, then something is fundamentally incompatible — and I’m trapped.” 

is how i have felt , but realize what that comes from confusion and my nervous system being overloaded. as for intimacy , i hate that i expected to meet that with you while i'm unhealed. maybe Right now, lack of autonomy and lack of space are amplifying the pain of desire. 

chat gpt said it in a way i understood: You are not craving sex.

You are craving confirmation that you are wanted, chosen, and impactful. 

so when i think about that ^ i remember i do feel chosen, and loved and that the right conditions for myself will need to be met for intimacy to follow. i haven't even been too excited about sex lately, well NO WONDER, my system can't handle shit right now. 

anyway, i love you. i hope this helps you understand a bit of what i've been experiencing. it's painful. i need to fix this. you don't have to do anything different, just be my wonderful husband.